V is for Vagenda (Part 13 - Breathe)

V is for Vagenda (Part 13 - Breathe) 

 

Sometimes you need to develop a sense of humility in order to cope. That elusive ability to not take yourself so seriously, turn your inner sense of pride completely off, and just have a laugh at yourself or the circumstances you find yourself in. Ego seeks to negate modesty. I struggle with this, and I think it is because I have a weak sense of self that I try to overcompensate for. I think I juggled so many aliases growing up as I dodged the paparazzi that it may have diluted my sense of self. All this was rationalized lying and maintained abstractions of who I could be - it made me not even like what little of me I could still identify.

I love being a hero. That is rewarding. However, it is also one more alias to the pile. I find myself, at times, feeling fragile and desperate to be liked by everyone and anyone. Other times I feel incredibly strong and have no sensibilities or empathy to someone having a fragile moment. It is something that I feel myself shifting back and forth on, reliably, as if one state were an inhale, the other an exhale - although days or weeks could be between them. My own living, breathing psychological cycle, as it were.

J'onn had helped Black Canary explore my mind to seek out the missing periods of time that went by, but there were several questions raised as well. I almost preferred not knowing much of it. Some of what was revealed has left me feeling so shaken that everyone insisted we take a day of reflection before meeting again to discuss what information was produced.

Maybe humility, and laughing at oneself, is a form of psychotic break? I woke up this morning after the longest sleep I think I ever had within 24 hours. I didn't want to be awake. I didn't want to participate in the world for a little while. Now, it is early and my little Metalhead skirt is all that is between me and the cold blue-grey metal floor of this hallway I'm sitting on as I listen to my iPod listening to my big brother playing guitar on "Appetite For Destruction" when suddenly I have a laugh at myself listening to the words of this song:

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"You're Crazy"
(c) Guns And Roses 1987

I been lookin' for a trace, lookin' for a heart
Lookin' for a lover in a world that's much too dark
You don't want my love, you want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another piece of the action, yeah

Said where you goin', What you gonna do
I been lookin' everywhere, I been lookin' for you
You don't want my love, you want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another piece of the action
'Cause you're crazy
You're f***in' crazy
Ya know you're crazy
I said you're crazy

Say boy where ya comin' from, where'd ya get that point of view
When I was younger, Said I knew someone like you
And they said you don't want my love, you want satisfaction
You don't need my love
You gotta find yourself another piece of the action
'Cause you're crazy
You're f***in' crazy
Ya know you're crazy
I said you're crazy
Ooh you're crazy
You know you're crazy
Well you're crazy
You know you're crazy

You know you are
Bring it down
You're f***in' crazy
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p5sRQ2jqV8Y
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I'm sitting giddy with these ear buds in, eyes closed, not realizing I'm giggling at this out loud, when suddenly Black Canary taps me on my shoulder. I stop laughing, startled, opening my eyes, and see her standing over me with J'onn and Zatana. Completely embarrassed, I quickly collect myself and get up, following them back into the room.

BREATHE

Black Canary, nursing her coffee tenderly, begins "I hope everyone is well rested. In light of what we learned yesterday, we thought it would be best to consult with Zatana on this as well. Her family has many generations experienced with sorcery and with Dr. Fate."

"V, I..." Zatana starts, but is cut short.

"Do you know what that book was?" I ask eager to get right to it. There is a moment of silence, making me feel like maybe I was rude and should apologize for cutting in, but very quickly, it becomes obvious that the silence is the gravity surrounding the topic of the book that is weighing heavily on everyone's mind right now.

Zatana takes a deep breath, "Vagenda, I believe what you seen was the Forbidden Book Of Spells - a book filled with spells deemed too powerful in their potential to destroy than was deemed safe to trust in any sorcerers hands. It was said the book was sealed with an ancient spell that could only be broken by a unanimous decision among the Lords of Order. It is hard to imagine such a decision ever being made, and until yesterday, I personally considered the book a thing of legend, a myth, an artifact of fiction used to scare children in harmless ghost stories. That a sanction was made, and rote memorization pushed unto you to truly know one of these spells... there is no record in history of it ever happening before."

"But I don't know the spell! I don't even remember ever seeing the book, except for the images J'onn was able to reconstruct. I..." I plea, getting cut short by J'onn.

"We believe you were used as a pawn in a larger plan by Nabu and the Lords of Order. We believe they had you compelled to learn the spell to correct something in this time line that had to be corrected, knowing Circe would place you under a spell of Vengeance, knowing she would inadvertently compel you to use the spell, and knowing that Circe would try to save herself by trying to wipe your short term memory. When Nabu briefly touched your head as he left, he was ensuring both that Circe's hold on you was diminished, and that the spell would be among what was cleared from your mind." J'onn concludes.

"Do we know this absolutely?" I ask hopeful.

Black Canary sighs "No, we don't - but after a lot of discussion last night, it seems to make the most practical sense for this to be the case. The book was re-sealed. You have no conscious personal memory of the book, or the spell, outside of what J'onn pieced together. How else could those spell's truly be safely locked away once again, as the Lords of Order intended. We are confident they wouldn't leave a loose end."

"Well then what did that guy do to me to make them decide to use a spell like that? I mean, I am not the only person horrified at how drastic that was, am I?" I say, visibly shaken at merely speaking of it out loud.

Zatana looks at me compassionately, "The thing that is perhaps the hardest to understand right now is that, whatever he did to you, Vagenda - he hasn't done it to you now. The reality we share is one where he never was, it never happened, and very little is known of what few steps ensured this was the case. We will never know who he was or what he did - but my instincts tell me we should be very thankful that this is the case, for what it is worth."

"Look, we quickly canvassed the heaviest components of what came to light in our last session. I think we should take another day to reflect on it all. Next time we can gather some final thoughts on this, and cover any other loose ends - not that Lex, Klarion, or Gentleman Ghost are minor concerns." adds Black Canary, ever conscious of anxiety levels.

J'onn and Zatana excuse themselves, as I lean against a counter sharing a coffee for once with someone. I don't even drink coffee. I just like how much she's loves her coffee and want to enjoy something that much right now. We stare out the window into space, literally, at the stars. I'm getting comfortable in long silences with her now, but extend putting off the last question I know is coming before I leave by pointing out a few stars I can see at this angle with her now. I show her Sagittarius, and Orion’s Belt.

Proudly, I declare to her "They are my stars, I own them, you know.", very matter-of-fact-ly.

She teases back "Oh like how you own that beach?" evoking a blush out of me, smiling back at her.

The pleasant silence is broken.

"How do you feel, now?" she asks me.

I feel myself coil up inside, feet squirming... unsure what to say back to her. I start to bite my nail, but stop myself, and push my hair away from my eyes...

"I think I'm just tired right now" I say, forgetting to add a smile so she doesn't worry. The rare moment someone can look me in the eye with my guard down...

I leave a few minutes later. It's still only 8:15AM. My bed is calling, and I answer.