V is for Vagenda (Part 10 - Reflection)
Sometimes when I am alone with
my thoughts, all I can really focus on is how I feel. Physically that is never
a good thing to focus on so I run my mind into as many other things as I can.
Some people think I am nostalgic by nature, living in the past. I'm not at all.
I'm salvaging what quality I can of my present by honoring my past rather than
focusing on the pain.
Is something off right now? I... I'm not quite sure. I'm not quite sure if I am awake or dreaming. If I am dreaming, then where am I? What was I doing last? Am I in my room? Am I in the infirmary? Maybe I'm with Batman in the Batcave. How could everything I feel right now be real? If this is real and I am awake, am I drugged? What is that humming?
Ativan and Hydromorphone is coursing through my veins, medicating me not to care. I am as weak as a kitten and have no idea where I am - I will find out soon enough. If I didn't feel so foggy, I'd be concerned not knowing where I was, or if I was safe. Am I in danger, or did I have another attack. I need to hide myself away from the world until I fully recover from the attacks. I get a few every year, and my only consolation in this drug induced state is the familiarity with the uncertainty that comes with recovery.
Sometimes it can all seem like smoke and mirrors. These dramatically different phases in my life - one where I have my publicly visible life where I seem like I have freedom, the other where I need to be hidden away in hospitals to be tested or operated on. It can be hard to transition from one phase of the existence I know to the other and retain any sense of normalcy. I close my eyes, feeling my lungs breathing in and out, timing it in long breaths to relax. This exquisite pain will conquer my soul if I can not keep it out of my mind. Yoga breathing became a reflex. It is step one in coping. Every fourth breath I am telling myself I am twice as relaxed as I just was, not unlike a hypnotist. Step two: empty your mind of all thought of yourself, life, body, memories - including physical pain. Sometimes it helps to encourage a relaxed state. I try picturing myself far away from this table, from this agony. The agony doesn't exist. I'm by a lake - a lake far away in the middle of a great forest. It is a sunny day, and there is a waterfall. Small little fish try to nip at my toes and run away as dragonflies skim the surface adding tiny ripples to the image of myself in the water. My mind is struggling to be lucid, but the drugs have me as warped as the image in the water...
Is something off right now? I... I'm not quite sure. I'm not quite sure if I am awake or dreaming. If I am dreaming, then where am I? What was I doing last? Am I in my room? Am I in the infirmary? Maybe I'm with Batman in the Batcave. How could everything I feel right now be real? If this is real and I am awake, am I drugged? What is that humming?
Ativan and Hydromorphone is coursing through my veins, medicating me not to care. I am as weak as a kitten and have no idea where I am - I will find out soon enough. If I didn't feel so foggy, I'd be concerned not knowing where I was, or if I was safe. Am I in danger, or did I have another attack. I need to hide myself away from the world until I fully recover from the attacks. I get a few every year, and my only consolation in this drug induced state is the familiarity with the uncertainty that comes with recovery.
Sometimes it can all seem like smoke and mirrors. These dramatically different phases in my life - one where I have my publicly visible life where I seem like I have freedom, the other where I need to be hidden away in hospitals to be tested or operated on. It can be hard to transition from one phase of the existence I know to the other and retain any sense of normalcy. I close my eyes, feeling my lungs breathing in and out, timing it in long breaths to relax. This exquisite pain will conquer my soul if I can not keep it out of my mind. Yoga breathing became a reflex. It is step one in coping. Every fourth breath I am telling myself I am twice as relaxed as I just was, not unlike a hypnotist. Step two: empty your mind of all thought of yourself, life, body, memories - including physical pain. Sometimes it helps to encourage a relaxed state. I try picturing myself far away from this table, from this agony. The agony doesn't exist. I'm by a lake - a lake far away in the middle of a great forest. It is a sunny day, and there is a waterfall. Small little fish try to nip at my toes and run away as dragonflies skim the surface adding tiny ripples to the image of myself in the water. My mind is struggling to be lucid, but the drugs have me as warped as the image in the water...
REFLECTION
As I fade away deeper into dementia, all I can think of is how Raiden and
Mystical were once the two voices in the vast sea of faces that had been living
in the watchtower that could made me smile. That genuine warm smile that is so
increasingly rare to see on anyone anymore. Back then, Raiden and I had our new
league, Grey Wardens, well underway. Mistycal had loyalties to Fearless Legion
that ran too deep for her to even entertain the thought of leaving with us to
the new league. I really respected that - loyalty is a rare virtue today.
Likewise, she stayed steadfast as a loyal friend to me as well. Despite
everything that led to Raiden and I leaving Fearless Legion after months of
waiting in hopes things would improve, we had our fledgling new league and it
was quick to grow.
Grey Wardens was a unique league. Raiden had been recruiting everyone he could based on his raid experiences with other new heroes. I, on the other hand, was recruiting based solely on how I liked a players sense of style and fashion. It seems funny looking back, almost immature - but it made me happy. Most of our recruits made Facebook pages. Our new League had a page as well. We met every first Saturday night of the month in Shen Lo Gardens. Each meeting ended with a vote on who is looked the best, and the winner was that months League site cover model! I was scared that it might all seem a little girly for Raiden, but he didn't seem to mind.
Naturally I went style crazy. I couldn't stop collecting them, and that bled into other things. Some styles required completing collections, briefs, or investigations which led to Skill Points. Ultimately, style was power.
We were only a few months into the league when Raiden disappeared, though. The Roster started looking up to me as their new leader! I was not ready for this! I felt intense pressure to be the best healer in DCUO in order to deserve a leadership role. I needed to lead by example. I needed to feel I was good enough to deserve the leadership position. I wasn't sure I was good at being an underling, let alone a leader.
I needed someone I could trust in for the guidance and affirmation that could give me the courage and confidence I needed. I can't lead if I don't believe in myself. I have trouble letting people close to me, so finding someone I could trust that deeply could have been an impossible task.
Mistycal was my mentor in this once again. Thank god for her. She taught me how to hunt. She taught me how to map points for all the brief's and investigations. She taught me so many invaluable skills I did my best to impart her kindly shared wisdom on to others in the new league.
Sometimes the stress and pressures of leadership would weigh really heavy on me, but I think being thrust into the position did a lot to boost my confidence and my ability to lead. I know it really raised the bar for my training like nothing else ever had, but the responsibility weighed heavily on me for a long time. When I needed to escape and de-stress, I would go to the beach. I love my beach.
The time spent just chatting with Ony and the girls in the league - this was my favorite thing about Grey Wardens. Despite all the great raids, all the meetings, the photo-shoots... The long conversations at the beach - that is what I liked the most.
Every once in a while the late night talks would be with one of the girls from Justice Girls as well, another league that was really nice to me. I'll be candid. I only come out into the open when I am able to look like I'm not in pain, and after so many years of masking and coping, I can deal with a lot of it and still appear normal and relaxed. I can fool everyone but Raine. Ok, and Batman. And Superman. Zatana and Mistycal always seem to know as well, but they don't always say it. No one ever draws attention to it and I'm thankful for that. I just want to live a normal life and be useful, wanted, needed, but Justice Girls just really loved to make me feel so special. They had this website that said "Justice Girls - because justice just looks better in pink". Some of the girls would complement me in the Police Stations once in a while. Being in pain makes you feel so ugly inside, and I respond so strongly to compliments as a result. These girls in Justice Girls could sometimes make me feel so good it felt like I was cheating on my own league somehow! When their boss, Super Power, told me that I looked like the poster girl for Justice Girls, I started having fanciful daydreams running through my mind of letting go of all of the responsibilities of leadership and just being a regular member of the Justice Girls.
I could never leave Grey Wardens for Justice Girls, though. I was loyal to Raiden. It is a strong bond that you create between friends in a league, and those bonds are hard to break. For me, it seems it takes a very ugly show of ethics from someone to break a bond like that with me. Raiden was there when I needed him. Although I hadn't known where he was anymore, nothing can make me destroy or give up on what he created. He was away for months, but when he comes home, he will see that I stayed the course and made sure that he still had his league to come home to, better than ever.
These memories of Grey Wardens flooding my mind taking me away from the pain ravaging my body. I heavily drug induced transcendental state of disassociation as I lay helplessly on the operating table, oblivious to my whereabouts and surroundings. I feel lost in a fog, devoid of bearing, yet feeling I'm spinning.
"Raiden" - one word escapes my mouth in the real world. My mind awash in colors as a temporary fleeting focus returns to his memory.
I will stay the course and be like a lighthouse for you Raiden, hoping you are someday back home to the league. My mind starts drifting again, to a song that reminded me of him... My beautiful eccentric mental library of obscure indie songs...
==========================
Hold On (c) 1994
In your ocean
Peace I find
Soaked in reverence
Peace of mind
Safe at harbour
Total trust
Once in a lifetime
Erodes to dust
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
In your calm
Sailing down
Sharpened waves
I panic and drown
Tamed descent
Loss of air
Beam of light
Salvations' there
Hold on
Tight my friend
Not a beginning,
Not an end
Destined blindly
Burns a new sun
Diamond soul
All is one
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
In your eyes
Deep I see
No horizon
Warm and free
Burning candle
Dancing flame
The illusion of infinity
Then never again
Turn back!
The shore is near
Try to warn me
But I can't hear
Awaken
Confused and blind
Anchored soul
With you in mind
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
==========================
In my mind I am back in that lake now. There is a cool wind in my hair, as I look back into that reflection of myself in the water again. It is important to be able to be comfortable with long silences, and long gazes into your own eyes and feel peaceful doing so. This is the measure... this is... how you know you did your best.
The drugs are so strong. I lay satisfied and feeling peaceful on that table, still oblivious to where I am or why I am there.
Grey Wardens was a unique league. Raiden had been recruiting everyone he could based on his raid experiences with other new heroes. I, on the other hand, was recruiting based solely on how I liked a players sense of style and fashion. It seems funny looking back, almost immature - but it made me happy. Most of our recruits made Facebook pages. Our new League had a page as well. We met every first Saturday night of the month in Shen Lo Gardens. Each meeting ended with a vote on who is looked the best, and the winner was that months League site cover model! I was scared that it might all seem a little girly for Raiden, but he didn't seem to mind.
Naturally I went style crazy. I couldn't stop collecting them, and that bled into other things. Some styles required completing collections, briefs, or investigations which led to Skill Points. Ultimately, style was power.
We were only a few months into the league when Raiden disappeared, though. The Roster started looking up to me as their new leader! I was not ready for this! I felt intense pressure to be the best healer in DCUO in order to deserve a leadership role. I needed to lead by example. I needed to feel I was good enough to deserve the leadership position. I wasn't sure I was good at being an underling, let alone a leader.
I needed someone I could trust in for the guidance and affirmation that could give me the courage and confidence I needed. I can't lead if I don't believe in myself. I have trouble letting people close to me, so finding someone I could trust that deeply could have been an impossible task.
Mistycal was my mentor in this once again. Thank god for her. She taught me how to hunt. She taught me how to map points for all the brief's and investigations. She taught me so many invaluable skills I did my best to impart her kindly shared wisdom on to others in the new league.
Sometimes the stress and pressures of leadership would weigh really heavy on me, but I think being thrust into the position did a lot to boost my confidence and my ability to lead. I know it really raised the bar for my training like nothing else ever had, but the responsibility weighed heavily on me for a long time. When I needed to escape and de-stress, I would go to the beach. I love my beach.
The time spent just chatting with Ony and the girls in the league - this was my favorite thing about Grey Wardens. Despite all the great raids, all the meetings, the photo-shoots... The long conversations at the beach - that is what I liked the most.
Every once in a while the late night talks would be with one of the girls from Justice Girls as well, another league that was really nice to me. I'll be candid. I only come out into the open when I am able to look like I'm not in pain, and after so many years of masking and coping, I can deal with a lot of it and still appear normal and relaxed. I can fool everyone but Raine. Ok, and Batman. And Superman. Zatana and Mistycal always seem to know as well, but they don't always say it. No one ever draws attention to it and I'm thankful for that. I just want to live a normal life and be useful, wanted, needed, but Justice Girls just really loved to make me feel so special. They had this website that said "Justice Girls - because justice just looks better in pink". Some of the girls would complement me in the Police Stations once in a while. Being in pain makes you feel so ugly inside, and I respond so strongly to compliments as a result. These girls in Justice Girls could sometimes make me feel so good it felt like I was cheating on my own league somehow! When their boss, Super Power, told me that I looked like the poster girl for Justice Girls, I started having fanciful daydreams running through my mind of letting go of all of the responsibilities of leadership and just being a regular member of the Justice Girls.
I could never leave Grey Wardens for Justice Girls, though. I was loyal to Raiden. It is a strong bond that you create between friends in a league, and those bonds are hard to break. For me, it seems it takes a very ugly show of ethics from someone to break a bond like that with me. Raiden was there when I needed him. Although I hadn't known where he was anymore, nothing can make me destroy or give up on what he created. He was away for months, but when he comes home, he will see that I stayed the course and made sure that he still had his league to come home to, better than ever.
These memories of Grey Wardens flooding my mind taking me away from the pain ravaging my body. I heavily drug induced transcendental state of disassociation as I lay helplessly on the operating table, oblivious to my whereabouts and surroundings. I feel lost in a fog, devoid of bearing, yet feeling I'm spinning.
"Raiden" - one word escapes my mouth in the real world. My mind awash in colors as a temporary fleeting focus returns to his memory.
I will stay the course and be like a lighthouse for you Raiden, hoping you are someday back home to the league. My mind starts drifting again, to a song that reminded me of him... My beautiful eccentric mental library of obscure indie songs...
==========================
Hold On (c) 1994
In your ocean
Peace I find
Soaked in reverence
Peace of mind
Safe at harbour
Total trust
Once in a lifetime
Erodes to dust
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
In your calm
Sailing down
Sharpened waves
I panic and drown
Tamed descent
Loss of air
Beam of light
Salvations' there
Hold on
Tight my friend
Not a beginning,
Not an end
Destined blindly
Burns a new sun
Diamond soul
All is one
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
In your eyes
Deep I see
No horizon
Warm and free
Burning candle
Dancing flame
The illusion of infinity
Then never again
Turn back!
The shore is near
Try to warn me
But I can't hear
Awaken
Confused and blind
Anchored soul
With you in mind
I hold on
I hold on
I hold on
To you
To you
==========================
In my mind I am back in that lake now. There is a cool wind in my hair, as I look back into that reflection of myself in the water again. It is important to be able to be comfortable with long silences, and long gazes into your own eyes and feel peaceful doing so. This is the measure... this is... how you know you did your best.
The drugs are so strong. I lay satisfied and feeling peaceful on that table, still oblivious to where I am or why I am there.
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